Poles are masters of nagging.
The impact of constant complaining on our psyche is enormous. Ineffective complaining can destroy self-esteem, cause anxiety and effectively block our actions.
Why do we complain so often?
We complain to get rid of our emotions and to cleanse ourselves of the frustration caused by dissatisfaction. Voicing any complaint or complaining to someone out loud will not solve our problem, but it will make us feel stronger and stronger.
Moreover, complaining together builds and deepens relationships. Talking and sharing what hurts us can initiate change.
Is complaining always bad and destructive?
NO. As long as we learn to complain properly. This form can act as therapy.
Every complaint has some subtext.
To learn how to complain effectively, you need to understand a few things.
Who are we directing our comments to? What is interesting is that we usually do not address them directly to the sender, but to outsiders who are more or less affected by it. So they may not be interested in solving our problem or listening to us.
Why don't we complain to the person who is responsible for our bad mood?
Out of fear of consequences, fear of counterattack, lack of assertiveness?
As a result, even if sometimes the action is unconscious and unintentional, the person will be the last to know about it, or not at all. This will not cause any change. The situation and behavior may continue to repeat.
This means that we will experience relief not only when we say what hurts us, but also when we tell it to another person who is interested in the topic, will understand what we are saying and will be able to help us.
When we feel like complaining, it's worth asking ourselves three questions:
- Is the person to whom I want to address my grievances willing to understand and can help me?
- Is this person in the right mood to listen to me now? Is this the right time and place?
- Is this person empathetic enough to understand what I feel?
The phenomenon of complaining has been studied for years by Prof. Robin Kowalski at Clemson University (USA).
“Complaining is defined as an expression of dissatisfaction, whether experienced subjectively or not, for the purpose of expressing emotions or achieving goals in our mind, in our relationships, or both.”
She discovered that in addition to releasing emotions, complaining helps with:
- establishing relationships and contacts with people
- the desire to convey one's social image to the world and present oneself in a special light
- allows you to confront others: compare opinions, positions, opinions
- it is a way to make yourself and others reflect
You have to complain, but wisely. Failure to take any action reduces agency and increases the feeling of helplessness and passivity.
The results of Martin Seligman's research on the sense of helplessness can be cited here. He conducted research in the 1960s by placing dogs in a cage divided into two parts. One surface emitted an unpleasant electrical impulse, encouraging the dogs to move to the other part of the cage separated by a barrier, where there was no impulse. When the dogs were put on harnesses to prevent them from jumping to the "good side", they whined and after some time gave up. After allowing them to act and removing the harness, they still remained passive and did not take action even though they had the opportunity to do so.
The mechanism of learned helplessness and passivity is transferred from one action to another, which affects our mental health.
What is the conclusion from this:
Let's throw out our emotions and complain constructively to the right people, at the right place and time. Let these complaints have a purpose, and let the goal be the change we will initiate. Regardless of whether it means gaining courage and talking, or learning how to have a constructive discussion and formulate thoughts. Or maybe a change of behavior in us and the sender, and improvement of our relationships.
Is it worth complaining constructively????
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